Most of my adult life I have been at least a little overweight. Through most of my twenties, I had a nice frame with all the right junk, in all the right places. By the time I became pregnant with my first child at the age of 28, it was difficult to tell I was even pregnant till I hit my fifth month. I even lost weight during my first pregnancy and my doctor told me not to worry because I, as he put it, "had it to spare". I was never really UNhappy with my weight, but neither was I happy with it. The story of a females life I suppose. None of us are !00% happy with ourselves.
It's not like I don't know what I have to do to lose the weight. Eat healthy, eat the biggest meal in the middle of the day, don't eat after 6pm, make sure to eat breakfast, exercise regularly, get your heart rate in the "fat burning" zone...and on and on. One of the worst and best things about living in this century is immediate access to any and all information. I know what I'm SUPPOSED to do, right now I'm just too lazy to do them.
It's all about a state of mind I suppose. When I look in the mirror, I see this girl who is overweight. She has a protruding stomach, a double chin, decent boobs and a cute face. The girl in the mirror reminds me of Sophia from The Color Purple. "She a big girl". I am. I'm ok with that. However, when I am not looking in the mirror, I feel like Beyonce. Well, a more relaxed version. I'm a jeans (relaxed fit) and T-shirt girl all the way. What I mean is, I don't feel overweight. Sometimes I struggle with getting up off the ground, but I am 42. Sometimes my feet hurt, but I stand on them for 10 hours a day. I don't feel overweight. More importantly, I don't feel like I LOOK overweight. I'm fairly confident and can speak my mind in front of anybody. I don't get flustered around a cute guy and I can hold my own with the "shop talk".
I am also insecure. I think sometimes I stay overweight so nobody will focus on me. I don't get hit on at work, although I get flirted with all the time. Part of it is, I am a flirt. I also know, because I do not have the ideal body type, I am safe in my flirting. All subsequent flirting is merely out of a sense of decorum. Not many guys, like the big girl. I can hide behind my fat, and in a weird way, it makes me confident. If I'm fat, I probably won't get asked out and I won't have to let anybody in. I won't have to like him, only to find out he's just an awful person who only wants to use me. I don't have to be vulnerable. I won't get hurt. My fat, keeps me safe. I also know, my fat is going to kill me. I have to be healthy. I have to eat better. I have to exercise. With all that comes a leaner frame. A figure more men will find attractive. I'll get more attention. And that frightens me.
I have to change my way of thinking. I have to remember there are good people out in the world. Good men, who take care of their women. Good men, who live up their partners instead of breaking them down. Good men, who stand up and take charge, but know when to back down. I have to remember. The world is FULL of good people.
